The sun always manages to sneak its way into the lounge. A small crack in the meticulously arranged curtain perimeter defense is enough. A tell tale of the life outside glows on the wall, a stark counterpoint to the gloom inside. Bright, shimmering and alive, even the clouds can only steal the glory for a short while as they pass on their rain making journey. As suddenly as hope is stolen it returns, brighter and triumphant in its assertion; there is life outside.
Knock! Knock! The dream is shattered.
“Get under the table, quickly, quickly,” she orders, frantically searching the room to confirm that nothing will give our presence away to the would-be intruders.
Panic and fear add their own insidious darkness to the gloom as the sun struggles to maintain focus amidst another assault. The darkness creeps back in to the hole in the pit of my stomach giving it life as it writhes around, digging deeper and deeper, confirming the void, strengthening the nameless dread and securing the foundation of fear laid so long ago.
The silence screams in my ears as we wait. She’s huddled in the corner, a carefully chosen spot with no direct window views. I am concealed in my usual place under the table, nobody can see me here. The room closes in on me, the windows seem so large. They are just outside. I can hear the voices.
Knock! Knock! Knock! Knock! They know we are here.
The void is so close now. It’s risen from my stomach and I can taste the darkness and dread in my mouth. I retreat further under the table. She shuffles in the corner and gestures that I should be quiet as a mouse. The fear crawls over the table and chairs, blots out the sun, rests for a while on my toys, and finally threatens to open the curtains for all to see.
The voices are moving, one seems closer, Tap! Tap! Tap!
It’s the window; they’re at the window now. Muffled voices calling, persistent, challenging. What do they want? My heart is beating in the void, drowning out the silence, threatening to expose my hiding place and burst through my chest. Be quiet as a mouse. Don’t move.
Suddenly there is silence. The voices are quiet, the knocking ceased and I can sense that nobody is outside. We have survived another assault but I know it’s not safe to move yet. We have to wait until we are sure they are not coming back to catch us inside our bunker unaware. The sun has snuck back in and is shining defiantly on the wall opposite the window again; a light in the darkness.
She starts to move cautiously towards the window. She reaches the looking spot, still crouching, and lifts her head just enough to see through the tiny slit in the curtain. We don’t want to get caught now when we have survived this far. She stands up, the all clear is sounded and the room begins to breathe again. I hear her in the kitchen filling the kettle to make the ritual tea.
Slowly and deliberately I make my way out from under the table, each crawling step an escape from the darkness of the void, calming the writhing in my stomach and asserting control over my irrational heart. Panic and fear have retreated but I know they are still lurking just out of reach. Any minute they can return, unexpected, unwelcome, but as voracious and intent on filling the void as ever. The sun beckons, playing games on the wall with the shadows. It’s time to play with my toys.
A little later I am allowed to peep out of the curtains and look down the street. Dad will be home soon for lunch, my brother will be home from school and I am excited. The sun will shine brighter, the gloom will lift and the day will have a new feeling.
I hear the key in the door, instantly recognize the footsteps and race to meet my Dad. The door is wide open and fresh air rushes in to the hallway and takes its chance to fill the house. He is the light, blowing away the gloom, banishing the darkness and letting optimism loose to have some fun. No need for hiding now. He scoops me up and we retreat to the lounge.
Mum comes out of the kitchen to meet him.
“I bumped in to Mary as I was walking home,” he comments, “she told me that her boys called for Stevie this morning to play hide and seek with them. He would have had a great time. Didn’t you hear them knocking?”
Her gaze drifts from him to me and back again.
Hope and fear continue their game of hide and seek in the void.
There is hope for me.